I don't know how to write this, but I need to get it out there. Every once in a while the silly teenage girl inside of me, will fall for a boy. You know, the typical, get your hormones under control, kind of girl. Don't worry, you probably won't ever have to meet.
Alrighty, background knowledge is out of the way. Now for the juicy stuff, or maybe, not so juicy.
So why wont you ever have to meet this ridiculous side of me? Well, let me explain.
It started way back in sixth or seventh grade. I had some not to great things happen to me. Let's just say that now I have a few, okay more than a few, trusting problems. If you are of the male species, it's going to take a while for me to warm up to you and ultimately trust you. You can only imagine how this has affected my love life, or the reason for my lack of one.
I think all the background knowledge is out of the way.
Anyway, the first experience I have with this whole ordeal is back in the seventh grade. Imagine baby faced Kelley. It's the beginning of seventh grade year and we are getting our lockers assigned. Out of complete "randomness" (i may or may not have rigged the system) I get the locker next to arguably the cutest boy in school. Then silly seventh grade flirting happens and he has me swooning. Blah, blah, blah. This whole crush thing lasted for about ten days, and then something that could either be a blessing or a curse, depending on how you look at it. My fragile seventh grade heart shut out this boy.
Eight grade year: I held hands with a boy. I let my walls down. I ended up having to break his heart, because I couldn't commit to commitment, and his trust. This lasted a few weeks longer.
Boy number two of eight grade year was brutal. He could be argued to be my first love. Who knows. I crushed on him for about two months and then he moved. Making my commitment issues and trust issues even worse. After that, I never wanted my heart to hurt like that again. I wanted nothing to do with boys. But March came along and there I was falling for yet another boy. Silly crush. Real silly. It ended and then came back and then ended. Its over now
Freshman Year: I fell for a boy. I fell hard. In my mind, he is my first love. I "loved" him for a bit over four months and fighting the urge to push him away and be done was the hardest thing I ever did. I shut him out. I wouldn't even look at him. Long story short, he's like an older brother to me now.
As the number of boys grew, my heart started hurting less and less each time I got hurt, or broke my own heart. My heart is almost invincible. Then Saturday night happened and I broke down. I hurt for all the times I didn't. I wanted to give up on my heart, I wanted to tear down my walls, and I did. I tore them all down. I decided I wanted to feel heart break, because it makes things so much more meaningful. Then this week happened. I threw myself to the wolves. Meaning I actually talked to boys. I tried to convince my heart that they could be trusted. I maybe even flirted a wee bit. This flirting lead me to yet another teenage boy. I just wanted to take things slow, Be friends, get to know each other. It was going great. Little by little I would let him into my heart. No walls. Nothing. Then a few tiny feelings started coming into play and I embraced it. Then I found out, he's taken. Typical. All the good guys are taken. That was cliche, big time.
I'm sitting here at two thirty in the morning and, lets just say my hormone level is high. HEART BROKEN? I don't know yet. No walls yet. It stung for a minute. It might kick in when I am forced to see his face, but as for now, I'm just taking it one step at a time.
