I Can't

Why are you still on my mind? I hardly know you, yet I feel like i've known you forever. The thought of you might just be the death of me. I'm trying to sort things out and when I think I have it all figured out BAM the thought of you pops into my mind and everything is up in the air again. The memories of our conversations flash in and out of my mind. STOP! I scream in frustration. This is impossible. I cant do it. I grab my well used tennis shoes and slip them on. Jog. Sprint. Cry. Jog. Sprint. Cry. The cycle goes on until i can no longer run and my lungs almost collapse. Slowly the tears, already caressing my face, start coming quicker. Jog. Sprint. Cry. I don't stop. Fighting the feelings, I sprint to my yard and collapse. It's no longer sadness. The anger wells inside of me. The cycle repeats yet again. Crazy in love, then upset, and then raging anger. Over and over again. Never stopping. Emotions rapidly change, but find them self locked inside my heart. I say i'm over him. I lie.

"I can't live without you, I can't live without you, baby."

I fight it like a wildebeest being attacked by a lion. I tell myself i CAN and i WILL live without you, but I know i cant. The problem is you are 2000 miles away, or so it seems. My heart longs for me to be in your presence. It will be a while till that happens again, making the pain seem even more excruciating.

"Baby I'm not moving on, I'll love you long after you're gone"

Ramblings

So many things have happened in the last 21 days, but i'm afraid that at this moment it would be a mistake to write about them. Give it a few weeks. I still need some time to figure things out. Don't worry, no one but my journal that is not very well hidden knows any of this.

Lets look on the bright side. Tomorrow is Easter. Tomorrow I get to see one of my closest cousins that I haven't seen in two years. You could say i'm excited!

17 Days. Almost

Its crazy to think that in just 17 short days my life is completely different then what it was before. Seventeen days is just long enough to step back and realize that life isn't suppose to be all about getting good grades and being a perfect person. Lets face it, perfection isn't coming anytime soon so quit believing that if you aren't perfect you aint getting anywhere in life because that is the biggest lie that I have ever heard.Oh and good grades, i might be trying till i die to get an A in chemistry and geometry.
You know that its ironically taken me 15 years to realize that pretty is as pretty does. I use to be told that almost ever day and its so true. You cannot expect to be seen with a beautiful outside if your inside is full of trash.
Seventeen days is just enough time to figure out the way you really feel about others and the way others feel about you. Yes, i'm talking about boys here. Remember that one boy that I wanted to go night surfing with? I thought that I would have at least held his hand by now, if not kiss him. Guess what, I realized that he is more like a brother to me and that I really dont want to kiss him or hold his hand anymore. Dont get me wrong I still love him. Ill always love him. And coming to terms with my discovery about our relationship was really hard for me. Trust me when I say that he never thought of me as any more than a friend and I just fell to hard.
Believe me when I say that the people that you think know you, dont necessarily know you. For me, this was getting over being shy and just letting my voice be heard. Dont live life afraid to talk to people. Get to know people. Talk to people that you never thought you would ever talk to again after you got out of middle school. I promise they aren't as bad as they use to be. Let your voice be heard.
Almost 17 days is just enough time to decide that you aren't going to be ashamed of who you are. Almost 17 days is enough time to decide that your daily goal is to stay beautiful, which is much more than just being pretty on the outside.

P.S Elder Egbert's letter is still sitting on my desk.

                                                 This song is a keeper. Listen to it 25 times.

Ma Ma Ma Missionaries

Be Proud. I wrote an Elder that wasn't part of my family. This is a big deal, if you know me. I'm the last person that would write someone, a boy may I add, first. I had some things that I had to tell this Elder. Stop thinking that what I had to write him was  something to do with a relationship, because it wasn't.
Let me tell you that I have been trying  to decide what to say and how to say it for the last three days and I finally just decided to be brave and just write and see how it comes out. I haven't read it yet, but I bet it's so bad. One thing that I am not good at is writing letters. I pretend to be, but in real life I'm not! But I have to say that I am pretty proud of the way that his name looks.
Alright, enough ramblings, I need to write about three other missionaries letters. Wish me luck.

On the bright side, my cousin that us serving in Brazil comes home in two weeks and I am so excited to not have to write four letters anymore see his face. I honestly cannot wait because wee are super close. ELDER  SIMPSON I'll see your face in TWO WEEKS!

In Case You Were Wondering

A pictures worth a thousand words, right? So I'll let them do most of the talking.

My grandpa turned the big eight zero this week (he's really is eighty! and he still has the heart of a teenager) so, my family threw a surprise party for him. Don't ask me who gives an eighty year old man a surprise party, because I honestly couldn't tell you. It was a very gentle surprise, we all just showed up at random times. While I don't have any pictures from the party I do have some pics of the drive up.

 This is what I like to call The Cowboy Hat and Boots. Its on the drive up to my hometown, that is if you take the back roads. Every time we drive up there I always find myself looking for this cool natural painting on the side of the mountain. It's a beauty.

 This my friends is  not the ocean, or the great salt lake, or a body of water that contains salt. This is what I like to call a river. It is HUGE. I know. You can only imagine my surprise when I went to Utah and saw the Jordan River for the first time. I was shocked that it passed as a river, it looked more like a creek to me. But I guess the Columbia River is pretty large compared to most rivers.

This is the other side of what is called the "Gourge." Most days that waters really choppy and not reflective, but I got lucky today and it was Gourgeous. (Pun intended) 

 I actually went inside of a windmill once. It was crazy cool. Here in good ol' Washington most of our power comes from either the dams or windmills. This is just one of probably 1,000 windmills on this wind farm.

 I promise this picture wasn't taken to show y'all the back of that trailer. If you look close enough, right above the crack on the window, there is this volcano that is another wonder of Washington (kind of like the Columbia River) From this road you can only see Mt. St. Helens about 1 out of 100 times. Normally there are clouds. Like I said, it was a beautiful day.

Some unpictured things. I drove a 4 wheeler today for the first time in a long time. Its a party, when you go 60 miles per hour around a corner through mud.

Earlier this week I went through all of the things I did this summer and I found some really cool things that I drew/wrote.

I drew this picture of my hand, with my own hand. It was really easy and I got the idea from pinterest.

 Good ol' Scotty has always made me giddy. Especially over the summer. Sometimes I really like lyrics so when I get bored I write things all cool.

Same as above, but I'm not giving Scotty, or anyone's lyrics credit for this one. This was all me. I really like cursive, and the word love.








Tonight I went to see a movie, with real people. Lets call it a date hanging out with friends. Nickel and Quarter might have been those boys, but there were other people with us and they showed up and surprised us. It was cool. We saw Oz and Porter fell asleep, he just got done working--the movie wasn't boring, I got stuck next to a stinking woman  but Blaine was on the other side of me and he smell good so it was all okay, Meagan had two boys with her and handled it quite nicely, so surprisingly the whole whatever you want to call it was great.

P.S Guess what lucky duck found out that this summer she gets to go to a Gavin DeGraw, The Script and Train concert this summer. This Kid! Woot! Woot, I'm so excited. While I'm on that adventure I might also go to a Broadway play. Wouldn't that be something? My summer is gonna be pretty great. Trek, then EFY, then Ellensburg, then Basketball Camp, then some wake boarding and tubing with my new found fam, then Portland, then some more time on the River with some more of my favorite people! It couldn't get any better!

Inspiration at Eleven

"It doesn't make sense to call ourselves ugly, because we don't really see ourselves. We don't watch ourselves sleeping in bed , curled up and silent with chest rising and falling with our own rhythm  We don't see ourselves reading a book, eyes fluttering and glowing. You don't see  yourself looking at someone with love and care inside your heart. there's no mirror in your way when you're laughing and smiling and happiness is leaking out of you. You would know exactly how bright and beautiful you are if you saw yourself in the moments when you are truly yourself."
--Dirty Wings

Oh and then just because I know we all need something great to read, I've discovered yet another blog. So here it is!

Sunday Findings

This hit the subject of falling in love right on the head. You should read it. Maybe even read the whole blog.

La Dee Da

Sundays are a really good day for thinking. 

                                                  Whats crossed my mind most today:

1. Mission- To Go or Not To Go. 

I have plenty of time to decide this so I'm not quite sure why its been waying on my mind so much recently, but today its all i could think about. I wouldn't mind going but then is it what I'm suppose to do. I guess I'll just have to talk to my Heavenly Father about this one.

2. My Future

College- BYU-I. That's not what was expected to come out of my mouth, I know. I've always been the one who was only going to go to BYU, but that all changed when I stepped foot on the campus in Rexburg. 

Education- Hopefully I'll get my degree in education and then minor in Spanish and Psychology. 

Job- I would love to teach a forth grade class where English is the second language and Spanish is the first.

3. Love

What did you expect. I'm the biggest sucker for love that I know. I cant help but dream about what my future husband will look like, his personality, he quirks. I often find myself wondering how we'll meet and the first time he'll kiss me and the time that I know that I really love him and that he's the one for me. Sometimes I think about our wedding day and the dress I'll wear and the way the cake will look. I think about his family all the time and I cant help to wonder what my future mother in law will be like. I dream about what our first home will look like and the ways it will be decorated.  I dream about the day we will welcome a little addition to our family. I dream about meeting my kids for the first time and bringing them home and letting the feeling that this little person belongs to us sink in. I dream about watching my children grow and learn, and being able to teach them. Call me crazy, but I dream about a lot of things.

Night Surfing With a Boy

I just spent three hours writing less than a quarter of an essay comparing my self to a pair of shoes. Strange? Definitely. But you better believe that this has been my favorite essay to write so far. It's seriously a party. 

Essay Season has begun!

I got a letter from my sister today. It made me really happy. I just opened it. The envelope has a super cute sticker on it. 

I especially like the tie as the "i" and the bike, bikes are good.

The boy I've fallen for is probably sitting on a beach right now. Even though it's past midnight. I'm jealous because I'd love to be night surfing, or just surfing right now.

I saw Safe Haven this weekend. It was good. You can go see it. I was only embarrassed for the eight graders that were sitting behind me once. That means it's clean. 

I went to a state basketball tournament this weekend with Cam. It was a party. We spent most of our time driving. What can you expect from big cities.

I cut my hair, short. That was a while ago, but I really miss it, but mostly I miss being able to do this with it.

When I have to write I turn into a troll and take pictures like this one.

I'm still day dreaming, more like wee-hours-of -the-morning dreaming about going surfing. It be way cool to go with this boy I speak of, but we all know that it isn't going to happen and that's fine because I would just be happy to go and learn and go in the ocean and try not to get eaten by a shark because that would stink and no one likes to be eaten by scary large fish because then they couldn't surf any more and that would make life so boring and I'm talking like I've been surfing before and I never have but i will someday because it's on my bucket list and so if I don't do it i wont be able to say that I live life to the fullest because if I did I'd be lying and my mom said that lying is bad my mom also said that I should go to bed because this makes almost no sense and I just wanted to see how many people actually would read this long of a run on sentence because after following grammar rules for three hours you have to live life on the edge a little bit and brake those grammar rules because they make me feel like a caged bird and sometimes i don't like birds or cages because they overwhelm me just a little bit and being overwhelmed makes me sad and that's why I need to go surfing because it would make me feel wild and free and being wild and free makes me happy and being happy is good.