Let's Talk Hormones

I don't know how to write this, but I need to get it out there. Every once in a while the silly teenage girl inside of me, will fall for a boy. You know, the typical, get your hormones  under control, kind of girl. Don't worry, you probably won't ever have to meet. 

Alrighty, background knowledge is out of the way. Now for the juicy stuff, or maybe, not so juicy. 

So why wont you ever have to meet this ridiculous side of me? Well, let me explain.

It started way back in sixth or seventh grade. I had some not to great things happen to me. Let's just say that now I have a few, okay more than a few, trusting problems. If you are of the male species, it's going to take a while for me to warm up to you and ultimately trust you. You can only imagine how this has affected my love life, or the reason for my lack of one. 

I think all the background knowledge is out of the way. 

Anyway, the first experience I have with this whole ordeal is back in the seventh grade. Imagine baby faced Kelley. It's the beginning of seventh grade year and we are getting our lockers assigned. Out of complete "randomness" (i may or may not have rigged the system) I get the locker next to arguably the cutest boy in school. Then silly seventh grade flirting happens and he has me swooning. Blah, blah, blah. This whole crush thing lasted for about ten days, and then something that could either be a blessing or a curse, depending on how you look at it. My fragile seventh grade heart shut out this boy.

Eight grade year: I held hands with a boy. I let my walls down. I ended up having to break his heart, because I couldn't commit to commitment, and his trust. This lasted a few weeks longer.

Boy number two of eight grade year was brutal. He could be argued to be my first love. Who knows. I crushed on him for about two months and then he moved. Making my commitment issues and trust issues even worse. After that, I never wanted my heart to hurt like that again. I wanted nothing to do with boys. But March came along and there I was falling for yet another boy. Silly crush. Real silly. It ended and then came back and then ended. Its over now

Freshman Year: I fell for a boy. I fell hard. In my mind, he is my first love. I "loved" him for a bit over four months and fighting  the urge to push him away and be done was the hardest thing I ever did. I shut him out. I wouldn't even look at him. Long story short, he's like an older brother to me now. 

As the number of boys grew, my heart started hurting less and less each time I got hurt, or broke my own heart. My heart is almost invincible. Then Saturday night happened and I broke down. I hurt for all the times I didn't. I wanted to give up on my heart, I wanted to tear down my walls, and I did. I tore them all down. I decided I wanted to feel heart break, because it makes things so much more meaningful. Then this week happened. I threw myself to the wolves. Meaning I actually talked to boys. I tried to convince my heart that they could be trusted. I maybe even flirted a wee bit. This flirting lead me to yet another teenage boy. I just wanted to take things slow, Be friends, get to know each other. It was going great. Little by little I would let him into my heart. No walls. Nothing. Then a few tiny feelings started coming into play and I embraced it. Then I found out, he's taken. Typical. All the good guys are taken. That was cliche, big time.

I'm sitting here at two thirty in the morning and, lets just say my hormone level is high. HEART BROKEN? I don't know yet. No walls yet. It stung for a minute. It might kick in when I am forced to see his face, but as for now, I'm just taking it one step at a time.

What I've Been Up To...

This past month has been a crazy one and it's felt like it has taken forever, but don't worry I have some great stories and pictures.

Story Number 1, Pictures 1 & 2

I went to the Burg' because my cousin had just gotten  home from his mission in Brazil. The sunset was amazing as we were driving home.

Story Number 2, Picture 3

Sometimes I get really lonely and I don't feel like talking to anyone so I made a balloon friend, we call him Jeffery, and he is a great listener.

Story Number 3, Picture 4

I adopted a fish, two actually; however Ernesto died. This is Esteban. She's a girl and she is having little fishes as we speak.

Story Number 4, Picture 5

I have the hardest time making choices when it comes to wearing clothes. I an never decide if it looks good or not, so I'll take a couple pictures and send them to Maisi and she'll tell me if what I am wearing is acceptable.

Story Number 5, Picture 6

Ever since these two guys showed up in my cute little town they have been at my house almost every day. We're best friends.

Story Number 6, Picture 7

This is Maisi. We slept outside on the trampoline one night and the wind decided to blow, so we came inside. Lets just say this was taken close to five o'clock in the morning.

Story Number 7, Picture 8

One time some people decided that it would be a good idea for me to be a model. I said whatever and this is  what I looked like.

Story Number 8, Picture 9

All of a sudden my mom decided that I need to be a little bit more independent so she has made me renew my own library book, make me make my own envelopes, and make me make taco meat, all by myself. It's been crazy and all i can say is that I just want to be five and dependent again.

As Funny As This Sounds

I've been listening to the same High School Musical 3 song for over an hour now.

I'd much rather watch Disney movies than any other movie.

Walks through a neighborhood at eleven o'clock at night with great friends is the best thing in the world

I like to sleep on the trampoline

I'm suppose to be writing a talk 

I'm also suppose to figure out what runway music is, could someone help me with that

Sometimes I fall way to hard for a boy and all it leads to is disaster. My heart is so use to being ripped in two that it's not that big of a deal anymore. It's almost sad seeing that a girl of my age should have any idea what it is like to have a broken heart, but I do.  

I am in the mood for some High School Musical 3, but Netflix doesn't have it. 

I know that the man i am going to marry is waiting for me and that's why its okay with me that my heart has become invincible. Even though I have no idea who he is, he gives me hope. He is rooting me on, and I know it. I guess the part that gives me the most comfort is to think that someday I will meet a dashing young man, who is a gentleman and has good manners. Silly me, I know. He's going to have to be pretty great to steal my heart and keep it. 

Blah Blah Blah blah blah

Sometimes my silly heart tricks my head into believing things that aren't true. It almost drives me crazy and then I get a text that could be something that he would totally say, but its not him or so I think. AHHHHH! I'm crazy.

We Call Her Maisi

Its official. I have the best friends in the world. My friends sit up all night and quote disney movies with me and help me with all my problems and my extremely ridiculous love life. Then be complete dorks with me at a dance and let me sleep in there laps when I am super tired. The let me punch them and then punch me back twice as hard. They laugh at my dumb jokes, they sing off key with me and dont even care. They dance like total dorks and love it. The sing scream-o with me. Im pretty sure that we are the exact same person. I mean its not everyday that you meet someone who listens to scream-o when they are doing there homework after ten, use to be a tap dancer, listen to David Archuletta, share a passion for The Lion King, and practically everything else. Lets just say I have the best friends in the whole wide world.

Tuesday, The Day I Thought Would Never Come

Every once in a wile I will go through a phase where I cant get enough of love. Love songs, love stories, video about love. You get the point. I think it has something to do with being a teenage girl, but then I don't really know.

Some might say that I have no idea what love is, and I wouldn't argue with them because, they are probably right. I'm not afraid to say that I have never been in a relationship with someone before. Let me tell you, I have had my fair share of boys that have either wanted to be in a relationship with me or who I wanted to be in a relationship with. Mostly just silly little crushes that lasted for a couple weeks. But recently I have fallen into love and then back out and then in and then right back out. It all started way back in January when I met this boy, we'll call him Sam. Sam belongs to a family that I love dearly. I met him and I was for sure that when my sister got home that I was going to set them up on a date and then three months later they would be engaged. Those plans changed real quick. As I got to know him more and more, I got to know the real side of him and even started to have a little tiny crush on him. But like most crushes I thought it would be over in at most two weeks. And I thought it was. I started noticing Sam at more things and one night I even went out to dinner with his family. That's the first time we actually got introduced to each other. No big deal right, the cute little crush was over and I was thinking about one of the basketball players at that time anyway.

Fast forward a month later and I get invited to go on a moving vacation with Sam's mom who is like mom. Oh course I said yes and was so excited to go. Then I found out that we would be picking Sam up at the halfway mark. I didn't really care it was just another person. Those feelings changed really fast after he got into the car. To make a long story short, on this trip I fell in love with this boy. I fell hard. I was still in love with him even when we got home. For almost four months I was in love with this boy. That's a long time.

Here is where the falling out and then in and then out all happens.

Three weeks ago I met another boy, we'll call him Frank, who had me falling head over heels. Boy is he a keeper. Frank is tall and has nice tan skin and is very very  handsome. I saw him standing there and then I gained some courage and got a friend to go over with me and ask one of this friends to dance and I would ask him. I didn't end up doing the asking. He did. We talked for seven whole minutes like we had known each other for years. We had just met. We didn't loose eye contact the whole time we danced and even after we danced. Its a pretty intense story if you ever get the chance to hear the whole entire thing starting with my morning that day.

So, here I am in "love" with two boys. If you know me that is not okay and drives me insane. I personally will not let myself have feelings for more than one boy. So what do you do? I can't just exactly pack up and move on with Sam, and Frank, well I am smitten by him. So what do I do? I lock myself in a room and tell myself that I have to just choose one of them and move on. It's easier said then done. Sam or Frank, Frank or Sam. I couldn't choose. A lot of things ran through my head as I tried to make a choice. I wasn't ready to say goodbye to Sam. It was really hard. I told myself to get over Sam, and I did for about thirty seconds. Then it lasted for a couple days. But I couldn't stay away from him forever. A Sunday came and I sat by him at church and I couldn't focus on what the speakers were saying because i was trying to figure out this crazy problem that I was having, and he noticed that something was up. He's gone now. Back to the "burg" for him.

Lets just make this really long sob story quick. As i sat on Sam's parents couch today with only his mom and told her about all of the hard things I had been going through, I got the closure I needed with Sam today. It stung for a minute, but as soon as I heard the words that needed to be said a huge weight was lifted off my chest.

I still love Sam. I always will. He was my first real love. That will never change. He will always be Sam, the boy that taught me that there are real men out there. He taught me how a girl should be treated. He helped me realize all the little things that I will look for in a man. He taught me how I want my future boyfriends and eventually my future husband to treat me. He taught me a lot of things, and for that I will be eternally grateful.

Sam if you ever read this, you'll know who you are. Thank you. For everything.

This song comes into my mind when I think of Sam. Weird? Maybe just a little bit. If you knew all that he means to me, it would all make sense. I would write it all down but I just don't think that words could even explain a little bit what he means to me.

I Like You